On June 12, 2017, I began a “weight loss phase” – what most of you would call a diet. Diet can be defined as “restricting oneself to small amounts or special kinds of foods in order to lose weight,” and that is exactly what I did. I was never hungry, but I had basically created myself a list of foods that were off limits. That meant no cake, chocolate, cookies, milkshakes, burgers, pizza, etc. For about a year, with very few exceptions, I ate a diet of chicken breast, lean ground turkey, lean ground beef, rice, sweet potatoes, broccoli, cucumbers, carrots, spinach, oats, fruits, and other “healthy” foods. Did I achieve my goals? Absolutely! Was it healthy? HELL NO.

You may be thinking “how in the world is that diet not healthy? I’ve been told my whole life that those are healthy foods!” Yeah… I thought the same thing! I became obsessive with the way I was eating. I measured everything out to the gram and tracked calories and macronutrients (protein, carbohydrates, and fats) as if I was going to be a physique competitor tomorrow. I started at a little under 300 pounds and 11 months later I had lost NINETY pounds. I was under 210 pounds for the first time since middle school! I kept telling myself “you’re doing great” or “keep it up” and then I started to realize what I was really doing to my body and more importantly, my mind.

I had inadvertently given myself an eating disorder. I no longer saw food – I saw numbers. Without looking anything up, I can tell you that 180 grams of cooked brown rice has 200 calories, 41 carbs, 5 protein, and 2 fat. I can tell you that a serving of peanut butter is 32 grams and that it has 190 calories, 6 carbs, 8 protein, and 16 fat… Why? Because I became obsessed with the NUMBERS behind weight loss. Not once did I look in the mirror and think “you look great!” I judged my progress based on numbers – numbers on the scale, numbers of calories, number of carbs, number of protein, and number of fat… I would go to a Mexican restaurant and not touch a single chip. I would go to Moe’s or Chipotle and get no cheese or beans because I knew the fat in those would make my calories go up.  I cut WAY too much fat from my diet to cut calories – I had fat free cheese, fat free yogurt, fat free salad dressings, etc. without realizing that dietary fat is what regulates your hormones. As someone who already suffers from Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (where my thyroid attacks itself to the point of eventual non-fuctionality), this is probably the absolute worst thing I could have done.  My body was (and is) in shock. It doesn’t function the way it’s supposed to and that is something I will ALWAYS regret. If you remember nothing else from this passage, remember this: DO NOT CUT FAT FROM YOUR DIET. FAT DOES NOT MAKE YOU FAT. FAT IS CRUCIAL TO THE FUNCTIONING OF THE ENDOCRINE SYSTEM THAT CONTROLS HORMONE PRODUCTION AND YOUR METABOLISM.

I was constantly limiting myself to foods that were sold as “healthy” that were filled with artificial sweeteners, chemicals, preservatives, etc. I would eat salads every day – I hated salad before this. I would go to a restaurant and instead of ordering what I knew I wanted – I would get online and order the meal with the least calories. Granted, I enjoy “healthy” food such as zucchini, broccoli, sweet potatoes, etc., every now and then you need some French fries, chips and salsa, etc. Over the past few months, by order of my doctor (that’s how bad it’s gotten), I’ve gained back about 20 pounds ON PURPOSE. I am trying to mend a relationship with food that will never be the same.

As of yesterday, I have begun to practice intuitive eating. Intuitive eating is eating what you want when you’re hungry and eating until you are satisfied. It doesn’t limit you to certain food types or certain numbers… When the brain is telling the body that it’s craving something, that’s because the body NEEDS it. If you’ve ever craved bacon, your body probably needs fat. If you’ve ever craved fruit, your body probably needs sugar (carbohydrates). If you’ve ever craved a big juicy steak, your body could be short on protein. Over the past 18 months, I’ve had cravings – lots of cravings – and I’ve constantly ignored them and told myself that I didn’t need them or that those foods would make me fat.

One of the main objectives of intuitive eating is to be in tune with your body. That means eliminating distractions such as cell phones, television, etc. while eating so that your brain can understand when you’re satisfied and you can stop eating. When you’re full, you stop eating. If you’re at a restaurant and you don’t finish your meal before you are full – that’s what they make to-go boxes for. I can probably count on one hand the number of times that I have taken food home in a to-go box. Why? Because I’ve conditioned myself over the years to believe that I have to take every bite of the meal whether I am hungry or not. I’ve made myself sick at buffets to the point I regretted ever walking in. That is not okay.

I cannot wait to begin this journey of being more in tune with my body and mind.